How Do You Deal With Friends And Family Who Are Against You?
Sam Ovens & Nick Fisher
“9 out of 10 businesses fail” “Don’t get your hopes up too much” “Maybe you should just finish your degree”
These are the verbal blows that entrepreneurs are hit with when we go against the status quo.
Do you have friends and family who are against you when it comes to entrepreneurship and business?
In today's episode we discuss methods to deal with friends and family… (Including the 1 question you can ask them to turn the tables and get to a mutual understanding)
Here's what we cover:
The importance of asking why
How to guarantee your success
How to surround yourself with winners
Measuring your progress and growth
Why you should analyse yourself daily
Check out the video and let me know what you think in the comments section below.
To your success!
-Sam Ovens & the team at Consulting.com
Hey everyone, it's Sam Ovens here.
And Nick Fisher.
And you're watching Consulting TV. On this channel, we discuss everything to do with business and entrepreneurship and achieving wealth and success, as well as psychology and philosophy and how to work on your beliefs and your mindset because it's been my observation that the world's kind of become divided. We think that mindset stuff is not important and it's all about business. Then, there's a group of people who think it's all about mindset stuff and not to do with business. The truth is, you really need to combine the two to really master business and achieve wealth and success, and that's what we talk about on this channel.
In today's video, we're going to discuss something which we see come up a lot, and that is how to deal with friends and family who are against you becoming an entrepreneur. So, if you decide you want to be an entrepreneur or if you decide you want to start a business and you have friends and family who you've got conflict with, they don't believe that your idea is right or they don't think you can do it, or maybe it's not even friends and family, maybe it's just random people who are commenting on your stuff and thinking that you can't do it; how to really deal with those people and more than that, how to understand why they are saying the things that they're saying. Once you understand why and once you understand the dynamics of how this happens, it's very easy to see how it happens and avoid it all completely. So, that's what we're going to discuss in this video today.
Now a big question we see time and time again, there's a lot of resistance, and this is a big hang up for people, "How do I become an entrepreneur when my friends and my family are constantly against me and at war with it? They're really just knocking me down. It's ruining my confidence. It's ruining my ability to start being an entrepreneur." What do you say to those people?
Figure out why.
Figure out why ... ?
Why are they against you?
So they would go back and you would tell them to say, "Hey, why are you against me?" and just ask that question, and open the discussion and see what happens?
Yeah. See what their reasoning is. It's important to understand why for most everything. I always wondered why everyone is against me. I'd been at university, and then I'd been at a corporate job. I decided to quit, move back home into my parent's garage, and they're like, "You have to finish your degree. Now you're a dropout. What if your business doesn't work? Nine out of ten businesses fail. Don't get your hopes up too much". I was like, "How much other stuff is going to be against me?" My girlfriend at the time, she was like, "No one we know in our entire family has ever dropped out of college. I don't know if my parents will even agree with your decision." I was like, "Where does all this come from? Maybe I am wrong, but can't you at least wait until you see if I am or not? How can predict what's going to happen in the future?"
It took me a while to understand why, and I would encourage people to just ask people and hear their reasoning and just write it down. Write down why people think that you shouldn't do it. Then when you start to see that and when you start to see their reasons, then it becomes really clear.
When they decide to become an entrepreneur and start a business, they adopt a different belief system. It really is just like changing a religion or changing a political party. If your whole family believed in Trump, it's like becoming interested in Hilary. Or if your whole family believed in Hilary, it's like becoming interested in Trump. Of course they're all going to be against you because your belief contradicts their belief. So most people, their belief is that the right way to live is to go to school, go to college, and then a job. Then work in your job, and save. Then buy a house, ten get married, then retire some day, and then die. That's what most people think that life is supposed to be ... It's like duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. That's how you live life and if you go against that ,then it's really like having clashing religions or clashing political preferences. Your belief contradicts their belief and when two beliefs contradict, then the only way they can validate each other is by saying one's wrong and one's right.
It's really important to just understand why. Then when you understand why, it becomes really clear, and then you just don't get into the arguments anymore and you just leave it alone. When I decided to become an entrepreneur, I would always preach to my family that they should all be entrepreneurs and being entrepreneur was the right way to be and that everyone who wasn't an entrepreneur was wrong. Right? I was like, "This is the right way, I found it".
Completely the other side at that point.
Yeah, because I needed people to be with me because I didn't have enough confidence in myself to stand alone. I would try and convert my friends, everyone I would talk to I would try and have these conversations with. They would often be conversations that would end up in arguments because it was who's right, who's wrong. When I really understood it all, I was like, "Why can't I just leave it alone?" I can still be their friend, I can still be a member of the family, and I can do what I want. I start my own business and be an entrepreneur, but I shouldn't attack them for having a job. If I don't do anything, then probably they won't do anything. We just don't talk about it.
I learned to only talk to entrepreneurship in business with business people, and I would talk about normal things with normal people, if we can call them that. When I went out with my friends, we just talked about normal stuff, we'd never talk about business. Still to this day, if my friends call me and we hang out, it's just normal conversation. I never talk about business at all. If someone's really interested in talking about business, I'll tell it to them, but I don't force it down anyone's throats.
I heard you say something in that last part. When people go and they ask the question," Well, why do you think that I should not be an entrepreneur?" oftentimes, people regurgitate that stat they've heard- nine out of ten businesses fail, and for some family members, they just don't want to see you go through the pain because they know that that's the common stat. What would you say to those people who face that challenge, that nice out of ten businesses fail? What're you supposed to say to your parents who question that and just want to save you from getting hurt?
I would just say that how do you know mine isn't that one?
It's a good answer, but then people who say that to them, the parents, and I think you're right and I know where you're headed, but they're going to be like, "Well, what if you are part of the nine?" Right? Just to play devil's advocate. That's probably how that conversation will go.
But then you'd say, "Well, why don't you believe in me that I could be that one?" People, when they see numbers like that and they think that those numbers exist that way because nine out of ten people try really hard, and the truth of that is that most of those nine never did anything.
In my experience, everyone who tries hard enough is successful, and the other people never really tried. It's a statistic which doesn't mean anything; it's just being falsely analyzed. You see nine out of ten, you think that nice Richard Branson stepped up to the plate and tried to do it and failed. It's like nine people never even tried more than one month, and then the other guy, he just stuck to it. I think anyone can be successful in business if they just stick to it long enough and try. It's just takes time, and it just takes effort. Then, the odds start to change.
Every day you're in business and you're trying things, every day you pick up a book and you learn, those odds start stacking. I think that once you reach a point, the odds are 100% you're going to achieve something because it's just impossible to not to. Once you understand the rules of the game, once you have worked on yourself and you're motivated and you're taking action, there's no way that you can't be successful. That's the way I see it.
How do you get that across to people because there will always be excuses. People always have something, right?
Just don't care about their opinion. At the end of the day ... If you convert them, that's going to be one hell of a job. It'll probably be more of a job to convert them then it will be to be successful yourself. The way I saw it, and the way I still see it, is find out why and then you can see that it's a belief, our system, and then don't feel like you need to change their beliefs. They can believe whatever they want, and the only way to really prove who's right and who's wrong is to just do it and to be successful, and come back and be like, "I told you so." What I like to do is just don't even say anything because the success speaks louder than anything.
It does. Did you find that when you didn't have the support from your friends and family, did you have to get into another entrepreneur group, another group of people that did believe in you and were going through the same things?
That was important. I found people throughout my journey. One of the best things I ever did, the first thing I did was buying some books. I know it sounds so basic. It's like, "Books. You're serious?" They're really good, and that's actually how successful people get really smart. They're not born smart, they just read more than you. That's the first step. Buy books. Second step would probably be buy a training program or go to a seminar, or something, because when you go to those things, when you get into those groups, you meet other people. Then, you'll hear other people's stories, what worked for them, what hasn't worked for them, and you find a community of people, and it's really encouraging when you start finding people who have succeeded.
What I strongly recommend is don't be in any communities where people aren't succeeding. You need to leave those. Never join any groups, never be a part of anything where the people aren't winning. You want to be in ones where people are winning. That thing that someone said one time, "You're the sum average of five people you spend the most time with." There's a lot of truth to that, and you want to be with winners. You want to be in a program which is winning, and you want to read books which winners have read. You don't want to read books and join programs where people who haven't won have used this stuff.
The worst thing you want to do is take a book recommendation from someone who's not successful.
Or anything else for that matter.
Typically, they'll tell you an Xbox game or a brand of beer.
It wouldn't be a book at all. That's kind of what I've seen, too, because people will say, "Well, that's easy for you to say. I'm not in a city that has a bunch of successful entrepreneurs." I'm like, "Well, okay. Is there a library around you? Can you get access to books?" They can be those people for you. It's whoever you spend your time with or whoever you spend your time reading, and that's a way to supplement it. That's why I think that live events are better to some degree, but certainly most successful people are generally well read, there are exceptions, but I would say that-
Readers are leaders.
Yes. Readers are leaders. Where'd that come from?
I have no idea.
It's a good one. I do like that. That's basically how you circumvent it. I know that answer seems simple now that you've been through it, but some people, it's really hard for them because they respect the opinions of the people that love them and been in their life so long. Have you found, if someone is still after years is still against you in that manner ... What do you do? Do you just-
I think that the only way someone is against someone is if you judge them. If you judge other people and you think that the way they're living life is wrong, then they're going to think that the way you live life is wrong. I found that I clashed with everyone when I was trying to clash with them. I thought my way was right. I thought the way they were doing things was wrong. Because I walked around like that and spoke like that, then of course I came into conflict. I was also asking for their advice, like they're going to give their advice based off their belief systems and their life. They're not going to give me advice based off what I'm doing, so of course I'm going to get advice that doesn't serve what I trying to do.
You need to just let go of it. I constantly used to talk to my friends and my family about this sort of stuff and then I was just like, "Why?" Why don't I have my business people for talking to business stuff? Then, I have my friends for talking about just friends stuff. I just separated the two, and if a friend wanted to talk about business stuff, then fine, but I would never force this upon them. That's when it all stopped. Still to this day, I don't think a lot of my friends or family know what I even do. They have no idea really, and that's totally fine. I would tell them if they were interested, but if they're not interested, I don't care. Most of the time, people are trying to force a message on deaf ears.
Right. Do you ever have, being in the position of success that you've had, especially at an early age, do you have friends that reached out then that weren't previously interested? Now they've become interested because it seems-
Probably like about 15%.
15%. That's not bad.
I didn't have many friends. I had a small group of friends, which we're really good friends with 10, 12 people, and so only like 2 or 3.
For a lot of people, too, that when you get that success, a lot of people do it to prove people wrong. Right? They want to be successful because they want to prove people wrong, but I think that the best combination is when you're doing it for yourself and maybe to prove people wrong, too, as a secondary motivation as far as that goes. If you do get flack in the beginning, it can feel good, and probably should be celebrated to be able to some degree to feel like you have proven people wrong.
I think there's got to be a deeper reason than just proving people wrong. Also, you can win and they might still think that you're wrong. It's a silly thing to do. You should base your decisions off you. I just wanted to impress myself. I wanted to stick it some people who said I couldn't, but for the most part I just wanted to satisfy me because I always told myself that I couldn't do anything. I just wanted to prove that maybe I can, and I just wanted to satisfy myself. I wanted to get into a competition with myself. Every day, how can I get better? Every day, how can I get better at this and satisfy myself and go to bed each night feeling happier?
Knowing that, how do you determine your growth? How do you know you're growing each and every day? What's your process for measuring that and making sure that you're on that path?
You want to constantly be improving and growing as a person, like financially, with health, with everything. I've always said that there's no such thing as staying still in life. You're either moving forward or you're falling backwards. I don't think you can just maintain a flat line, but if you think you're just maintaining, then you're really losing. You're either climbing up or you're falling down. You've got to have something to chase. You've got to have a carrot in front of on a stick in front of you at all times. I like to just put that as a better version of me, so I'm always chasing me in one year, me in three years, me in ten years, and I'm chasing that, I'm trying to become that person.
When you set out to make out those targets, I know that you said that you re-examine yourself each and every day, and that's how you look at it. You look at your vision board, you see what your goals, and then you adjust accordingly. Do you ever take those big goals and separate them into little things? Like in order to get to this goal, this is what I need to do today to become a better person. This is what I need to become, do tomorrow, etc., etc.
Yeah. The main thing is that you set some sort of vision, like this is where I want to be in one year. This is where I want to be in five years, and whatever. Then, you want to break that out into months, and then you can break it out into weeks, and then you can break it out into days. One thing I've always said is that you can have a bad day but you can never have a bad week. Sometimes we feel off, sometimes you might break your habits, but it's all about the effort. It's all about the consistency. Provided your weeks are all on track, and provided your months are on track, then you should always become the person which you're aiming for. You've just got to make sure that you don't ever have more than one bad day.
Right. That can snowball pretty quick.
One day becomes two. Two days becomes a week. A week becomes a month. A month becomes a year. Just like that, it's gone.
Yeah. Interesting. Any last summary for people who are still dealing with family issues and need to let it go? What would be the first thing you would consider? Ask them-
Ask them why and don't attack. Just ask why. A lot of the time, people who voice a concern just want to be heard. So I'd listen to them, and I'd just write it down on a ... I would analyze it and look at why are these people saying this. Okay, well it's what they believe to be true and these things are their beliefs. What I'm saying opposes their beliefs, so if I try and say these things are true, then it means that they have to agree that what they're believing in is a lie. It's very hard for someone to do. You don't want to have conflict with your family, you don't want to do anything ...
The way to do that is just to be quiet about it. Don't ask for their opinion because often your family isn't going to give you any good opinions. Don't ask your friends for their opinion, either. Whenever I asked my family or my friends for their opinion, I always got something bad. It's because they didn't believe what I believed and they weren't living the life and the vision which I had. They were a 9-5 employees and they believed in qualifications and traditional jobs. I was a dropout living in a garage trying to create something new. When I learned that, I just left it alone. If I wanted to talk about business and just talk like crazy about business stuff, I would save that for my business friends, and I would just keep it quiet.
If someone says something bad, just don't listen to them. If Warren Buffet calls you up and he's got some advice and it's negative, I'd probably listen to that. But if some random person who doesn't, or most importantly if some broke person has some advice and they think you're wrong, don't listen to them. Listen to people who are very successful and very wealthy, but don't listen to people who are where you're at or worse below because their advice is what you should go against. Not what you should listen to.